Make Your Record Great Again
Why leave your legal future to chance? Our proprietary pardon-matching algorithm connects qualified patriots with executive clemency opportunities. Fast, discreet, and surprisingly affordable.
2,847+
Patriots Pardoned
72 hrs
Express Processing
98.7%
Success Rate (Gold+)
How It Works
Our streamlined four-step process makes securing executive clemency as easy as ordering from a menu. Because it basically is.
Check Your Eligibility
Our proprietary algorithm evaluates your patriot score, financial capacity, and the political optics of your particular situation. Takes about 2 minutes.
Select Your Package
Choose from our tiered clemency packages based on the severity of your charges and the depth of your pockets. Flexible payment plans available.
Submit Your Application
Complete our comprehensive intake form. We'll need details about your case, your media connections, and your willingness to demonstrate loyalty.
Receive Your Pardon
Once your application clears our vetting process and your payment clears our accounts, sit back and wait for the official announcement.
Average processing time varies by tier and current backlog. Express processing available for Platinum members. All timelines are estimates and subject to change based on news cycles, ongoing investigations, and executive schedule.
*Individual results may vary. Past pardons are not indicative of future clemency. This is not legal advice.
Check Your Eligibility
Answer a few simple questions to see if you qualify for our executive clemency services
Our pricing is transparent and merit-based (merit = money)
$1M
Standard felony
Your responses are processed by our AI-powered Corruption Compatibility Engine™ and are totally not being forwarded to anyone.
Hear From Our Satisfied Patriots
Real results from real criminals. These testimonials are from actual pardon recipients who definitely endorse our services.*
*They did not. These are satirical. Please don't sue us.
“I worked with El Chapo, protected the Sinaloa Cartel, and used my country's military to traffic cocaine while simultaneously 'cooperating' with the DEA. Treated very unfairly. Now I'm free!”
Juan Orlando Hernández
Former President of Honduras
Offense: Conspiring to import 400+ tons of cocaine, firearms offenses
Original sentence: 45 years federal prison
Pardoned: 2025
“After 11 years, I finally found a platform that delivers. The ROI on my family's contributions was incredible. Five stars - would commit federal crimes again.”
Ross Ulbricht
Founder & CEO, Silk Road
Offense: Drug trafficking, money laundering, computer hacking
Original sentence: Double life + 40 years
Pardoned: 2025
“They said I defrauded donors. I said I was a patriot. Turns out, being a patriot with the right connections is what really matters. The process was seamless.”
Steve Bannon
Former Chief Strategist
Offense: Wire fraud, money laundering (We Build the Wall)
Original sentence: Pending trial
Pardoned: 2021
“I hired a prostitute to seduce my brother-in-law, secretly recorded it, and sent the tape to my sister. But family is everything, and now I'm free. Highly recommend.”
Charles Kushner
Real Estate Developer, Father-in-Law Adjacent
Offense: Tax evasion, witness tampering, illegal campaign contributions
Original sentence: 2 years federal prison
Pardoned: 2020
“I lied to the FBI about talking to Russian ambassadors. Twice. Then I withdrew my guilty plea and got pardoned anyway. The system works if you know the right people.”
Michael Flynn
Former National Security Advisor
Offense: Lying to the FBI about Russian contacts
Original sentence: Pending (pleaded guilty twice)
Pardoned: 2020
“I threatened a witness, lied to Congress, and have a Nixon tattoo on my back. Some would say I'm unemployable. I say I'm pardoned. Big difference.”
Roger Stone
Political Consultant, Nixon Enthusiast
Offense: Witness tampering, lying to Congress, obstruction
Original sentence: 40 months
Pardoned: 2020
“I laundered $30 million through offshore accounts and bought a $15,000 ostrich jacket. Prison was rough, but the pardon process was smooth. Worth every penny.”
Paul Manafort
Former Campaign Chairman
Offense: Bank fraud, tax fraud, foreign lobbying violations
Original sentence: 7.5 years
Pardoned: 2020
“Had a gold-plated .45 on a private jet. Now I'm free and still making hits. Shoutout to the team. Y'all real ones.”
Lil Wayne
Recording Artist
Offense: Federal weapons charge
Original sentence: Up to 10 years
Pardoned: 2021
“I had a 'golden thing' and I wasn't giving it up for nothing. Served 8 years before my sentence was commuted. Celebrity Apprentice appearance helped. Network wisely.”
Rod Blagojevich
Former Governor of Illinois
Offense: Trying to sell Obama's Senate seat
Original sentence: 14 years
Pardoned: 2020
“I was just taking a tour of the Capitol. A very passionate, aggressive tour where I beat a cop with a flagpole. Anyway, blanket pardon. God bless America.”
J6 Defendant
Patriot, Tourist
Offense: Assaulting police officers, seditious conspiracy
Original sentence: Varies (up to 22 years)
Pardoned: 2025
1,500+
J6 Pardons Issued
143
First Term Pardons
$0
Exposed Corruption*
*That we know of. The NDAs are very comprehensive.
Can't Get a Pardon? Try Our Comfort Upgrade Package™
When a full pardon isn't politically viable, our Comfort Upgrade Package ensures your incarceration experience is... significantly improved.
Ghislaine Maxwell
Comfort Upgrade ClientConvicted Child Sex Trafficker • 20 Year Sentence • BFFs with You-Know-Who
“I went from maximum security in Tallahassee to 'Club Fed' in Texas. No cell blocks, no guard towers, yoga classes, and yes—I got a puppy. They said I couldn't have the dog program because of my crimes against minors. A few months later? Puppy. The concierge-style service here is exceptional.”
FPC Bryan
“Club Fed” TX
No Walls
Honor System
Yoga Classes
Full Gym Access
Puppy Access
Despite Policy
Also at FPC Bryan: Elizabeth Holmes (Theranos), Jen Shah (Real Housewives). It's basically a networking event.
Note: The White House says a pardon “is not something he has thought about.” Comfort Upgrades, however, require no such thought.
Notable Mention: Still Waiting
Joe Exotic
Murder-for-hire, wildlife violations. Applied multiple times. “I'll never financially recover from this.”
Julian Assange
WikiLeaks founder. Complicated relationship. Maybe next term.
Your Name Here?
Don't end up on the waiting list. Apply today.
Clemency Packages for Every Patriot
Choose the tier that matches your net worth and the severity of your alleged crimes. All prices are suggestions—we're flexible for the right clients.
one-time
Entry-level clemency for those with modest legal troubles and even more modest budgets.
- Single federal charge coverage
- 6-12 month processing
- Basic NDA template
- Email support (72hr response)
- Mention in bulk pardon list
- Priority processing
- Media coordination
- Presidential photo op
- Truth Social mention
one-time
Our most popular package for career criminals and first-time RICO defendants.
- Up to 3 federal charges covered
- 3-6 month processing
- Enhanced NDA with arbitration
- Phone support (24hr response)
- Named in pardon announcement
- Basic media talking points
- Priority processing
- Presidential photo op
- Truth Social mention
one-time
Premium clemency services for those who understand that freedom is an investment.
- Unlimited federal charges
- 1-3 month processing
- Ironclad NDA + non-disparagement
- Dedicated case manager
- Individual pardon announcement
- Full media coordination package
- Priority queue access
- Presidential photo op
- Truth Social mention
starting
White-glove service for oligarchs, executives, and anyone who owns multiple yachts.
- Unlimited charges + family coverage
- 72-hour expedited processing
- Custom NDA drafted by our attorneys
- 24/7 concierge support
- Personalized pardon statement
- Full reputation rehabilitation
- Skip the line entirely
- Presidential photo op at Mar-a-Lago
- Guaranteed Truth Social mention
Family Plan Pricing
Crime is a family affair. Protect your loved ones before they become cooperating witnesses. Bulk discounts available.
Spouse Package
$400K
For the partner who knew everything (or claims they didn't)
Child Bundle
$300K each
Cover the kids before they flip on you
Family pardons are processed together for maximum efficiency. All family members must sign individual NDAs and loyalty pledges. “Family” defined loosely—we don't judge your situation.
Premium Add-Ons
State Coordination
+$2M
We'll connect you with governors who share our values
Reputation Laundering
+$1M
Wikipedia editing, SEO management, and planted positive news stories
Future Crimes Retainer
$500K/year
Stay on our radar for ongoing legal adventures
Need Something More... Bespoke?
For heads of state, Fortune 100 executives, or anyone whose legal troubles have their own Wikipedia page, we offer fully customized Enterprise packages. Pricing starts at $50M and includes a dedicated team, complete media blackout coordination, and a personal introduction.
Request Enterprise ConsultationEnterprise clients receive a complimentary Mar-a-Lago membership (Gold level) and invitations to exclusive donor events.
All prices are in USD. Cryptocurrency accepted at current market rates plus 5% volatility buffer. Payment plans available for sentences over 10 years. Prices subject to change based on news cycle, presidential mood, and proximity to election dates.
*This is satire. You cannot actually buy a presidential pardon through this website. If you could, we definitely wouldn't publish the prices.
Frequently Asked Questions
Everything you need to know about our executive clemency services
Still have questions?
Contact our discretion-assured support team. All inquiries are handled through encrypted channels and immediately deleted after reading.
Response times: Standard (72 hrs), Priority (24 hrs), “I'm being indicted tomorrow” (2 hrs, premium rates apply)
These FAQs are for entertainment purposes only. Nothing on this website constitutes legal advice or an actual offer of services. If you're genuinely facing federal charges, please consult a real attorney. Preferably one who went to an accredited law school.
Pardon Application Form
Complete all sections honestly.* We verify everything.**
*Honesty about your wealth. **We verify your wealth.
Net worth verification may be required. We accept Forbes estimates.
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All information is encrypted using military-grade technology and stored on a server in a country with no extradition treaty.